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God’s goodness

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Psalm 27:13

After the death of James, I would have moments of hopelessness.  The grief would overwhelm me at times.  I called it my “little black cloud”.  I envisioned, just like in a cartoon, a little black cloud hovering over me as the sadness saturated my soul.  I didn’t like being sad, so I would fight for hope.  There were many verses that gave me hope, one of them was Psalm 27:13.

One version of the Bible says, “I would’ve lost heart, unless I believed I’d see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” I would tell myself, I will see the goodness of the Lord, because honestly I was afraid to lose heart. Most of the time that hope and goodness I saw in Avery.  I know that all parents love their children and think they are perfect, but mine really is!  I tell her at least once a day that she is the best kid in the entire world and I truly believe it.  God has been very faithful in her life and I praise Him everyday for the work He is doing in and through her.  Ok, so she may not be “perfect” because her room is still a mess even though she lives on campus and only comes home on the weekends.  She still has to be reminded to hang up her wet towel and empty the dishwasher, but I will take those minor things over her beautiful, sweet spirit any day.

But really, in all seriousness, you would think that after all that kid has been through, she wouldn’t be as amazing as she is.  Remember, she lived the same life I did.  She has been right beside me through it all.  She remembers her daddy leaving us for another woman when she was five years old and him returning and leaving again the following year.  She knew about the child he had and the “half-sister” she has out there somewhere.  She saw her dad in the hospital when he had his second motorcycle crash and broke his leg and collarbone.  She was with me when I got the phone call from the police officer telling me he was in critical condition at the hospital from a motorcycle wreck.  She stood next to me and spoke at his funeral when she was only thirteen years old.  Many nights, I am sure she heard me cry myself to sleep, wondering why her mommy was so sad and why her daddy didn’t love us enough to stay home.  But God was faithful.  Today, she is a well-adjusted, lovely, God fearing light on a public university campus.  She is not only beautiful and smart, but everything good about James is in her.  She gives me hope.  I watch her life and know that God is faithful.  Therefore, I will remain confident…I have seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living, and her name is Avery.

I love you skwishy


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