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Now the slaves and the police had made a charcoal fire because it was cold, and they were standing around it and warming themselves. Peter also was standing with them and warming himself. John 18:18
Listening to a Bible teaching on the restoration of Peter, I have a scene stuck in my mind. Peter standing at the fire with the “rest of the boys” thinking he is cool, just hanging out and with the opportunity to show his allegiance to Jesus, he fails. Previously we remember Peter as the one saying “I will lay down my life for you”, John 13:37 with the response from Jesus being, “before the rooster crows, you will deny me three times! John 13:38. Here in John 18:27 at the charcoal fire, that is exactly what happened. “Again Peter denied it (knowing Jesus), and at that moment a rooster began to crow.”
Even though the story has a “happy ending”, where Peter is humbled and Jesus restores him, in my humanity I have to think about the time between when he denied Jesus and the time in John 21 when Jesus restores Peter. Every time he heard the sound of a rooster crowing it must felt like his heart was ripping to pieces. I can relate. Every time a see a motorcycle zip by me on the highway, or hear the sound of a fire engine siren, my heart sinks. We all have those triggers of painful memories, of times where we wish we could go back and do it or say it again but differently. With Peter, I can imagine the sound of that rooster crowing, which is probably every morning, and the brokenness in his heart to know he is not what he wanted to be for Christ. Same for me. Seeing a motorcycle, I wonder where I failed. Why? I cry often. Why all of this pain and struggle in our relationship for so long and he dies on a motorcycle just like you told me? I can remember the day, James home after breaking his leg in a motorcycle accident and I said to him “You are gonna kill yourself on that thing and then what?! Where will that leave us?!” Like Peter, we both didn’t want to believe it, somehow we would be bigger than it, but it happens and now every time we hear the “rooster crow” we will be reminded of God’s warning and our failure.
But gratefully the story doesn’t end there, because in John 21 the boys are out fishing again and Jesus is on the shore yelling to cast their nets on the other side. Peter recognizes Jesus and “when they had gone ashore, they saw a charcoal fire there, with fish on it, and bread.” Jesus takes Peter back to that awful scene at the charcoal fire where he denied him and brings healing in it.
The restoration of Peter from charcoal fire of denial to charcoal fire of deliverance, gives me hope. One day, the zip of a motorcycle or the siren of a fire engine God will use to set me free. I believe it!
And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it. Matthew 16:18
When you enter the land and plant any kind of fruit tree, regard its fruit as forbidden. For three years you are to consider it forbidden; it must not be eaten. In the fourth year all its fruit will be holy, an offering of praise to the Lord. But in the fifth year you may eat its fruit. In this way your harvest will be increased. I am the Lord your God. Leviticus 19:23-25
Do you believe the Word of God is living and active (Hebrews 4:12)? I do! Here’s my recent proof, I am reading Leviticus in the Old Testament, I find application to my life, PROOF. Reading Leviticus 19 a few weeks ago I wrote this in the margin of my Bible, “Is this my promise Lord? This is my 5th year”. I am writing this post on March 9, 2014 The day after the anniversary of James’ homecoming. He was killed on his motorcycle traveling to work on March 8, 2009, 5 years ago. I have seen much “fruit” in these years of suffering and grief but it seems like I can’t seem to “eat it” and move forward. If I am honest, I will admit that I have been tempted many times to “eat the fruit” but I knew it was not time and not God’s plan for me with that person. I am talking in circles but I am sure you know where I am going with this. Men. I could “justify” any one of them in my life but I knew it was not God’s perfect will for me, so I walked away. There is a bigger purpose in my “dating life” than finding a husband…LEGACY.
When the calendar year comes to a close, for the past ten years, I have prayed, “Lord, give me one word to focus on for the upcoming year.” This is not a phrase or even a verse, but one word. Every year He has been faithful to give me a word to focus on. This year the word He gave me was legacy. I knew it had to do with Avery but wasn’t sure how or what. As the year progresses He directs me to the meaning and purpose of this focus for me.
Today was a confirmation of that word. Let me paint the picture. Avery is in Peru on a medical missions trip. She returns today and I am super excited to hear all the details but I already know at the same time. God showed me through my prayers for her this week that He would show her how He has gifted her in the area of compassion to serve in the medical field. The legacy of her dad’s heart to help those in physical distress. But for Avery it will be more, she has the gift of not only helping people physically but spiritually and eternally as well. I am watching the legacy of James in her life.
As she walks through a season of relationships similar to mine, she is standing firm and not settling for less than God’s best for a potential husband as well. This isn’t just translated to my own daughter, I have several “spiritual daughters” as well. Those that I have loved, discipled, mentored and prayed for over the years of my teaching and coaching. It is just like the Lord to bless me with a verse that one of them (Christine) sent me this morning, “…for the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.” Psalm 100:5, legacy.
I believe the one thing that those who suffer and grieve have in common is that we find comfort when others remember our loved one and we feel as though we are not alone in that suffering. Today, I am encouraged to know that the Lord is with me, He has not forgotten me and although I haven’t been able to “eat the fruit” His promise is that I will soon. In fact, I believe I just got a bite through Avery’s life and Christine’s life.
I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope, for your name is good. Psalm 52:9
The dead man sat up and began to talk, and Jesus gave him back to his mother. Luke 7:15
We see several accounts of Jesus healing people and bringing them back from the dead in the scriptures but this one particular account got my attention. As I am a part of a bible study currently at our church, my pastor is working his way through the book of Luke. In his commentary of this section of scripture in Luke 7 he made a very valid point that caused me to write this in my Bible margin “Jesus saw the widows need and raised the dead”. In context, this widow had lost her son and was crying when Jesus came on the scene. Not only was she emotionally distraught because she had lost her husband and now her son but this was a financial burden for her as well. The son was her provision, without a husband she needed her son to work to provide for her and now he was gone as well. Her needs were great emotionally and physically. Although I can say that as a widow I feel very cared for by my church and family, I still find myself with emotional and physical needs. One of my greatest needs and the desire of my heart is a husband, someone in which to to share life. I know that Isaiah 54:5 tells me that my “Maker is my husband – the Lord Almighty is his name” in which I rejoice but that doesn’t stop the desire I have for the companionship of a earthly husband. I am content in Christ and love Jesus with all of my heart but I believe the desire I have to be married again comes from the Lord and because I delight in Him, He promises to give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). However, if I may be honest, walking in this faith daily for five years has been a struggle for me. What prayer are you waiting for God to answer for you? Do you struggle as I do to believe that the desires of your heart are from God and He will fulfill His promise to you? Have you considered that He is answering your prayer but you just can’t see it yet?
In Matthew 15, a Canaanite woman begs Jesus to heal her demon-possessed daughter who is not with her. He responds to her saying, “Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted”. In Mark 10 Jesus heals a blind man with these words, “Go…your faith has healed you.” And in Luke 17 he said to the leper “Rise and go; your faith has made you well.” FAITH. Oh, how I pray for faith that heals. Jesus wants me to have that kind of faith. Before James fully surrendered to the Lord, I remember having a very honest conversation with God. I came to the conclusion that James would come home, that our marriage would be restored some day. Honestly, I thought I would be in my 60’s but I was willing to accept that however long it took, it would happen. It was when I felt “released”, that I actually saw the change in James. At first I didn’t believe it happened. Like the Canaanite woman whose daughter wasn’t with her when God healed her, God did the work in James when we were not together. It seemed like I came home one day and “poof – new James”. “She went home and found her child lying on the bed, and the demon was gone”, Mark 7:30. So the questions I ask myself and I challenge you to ask yourself, first “do you believe?” It’s ok if you struggle with your belief, many do. I cry to Jesus all the time as did the father of boy with an evil spirit, “I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief”, Mark 9:24. And second, do you believe He is answering your prayer right now and you can’t see it yet? Possibly He wants you to wait so that you will get the full harvest of the fruit of the blessing.
“When you enter the land and plant any kind of fruit tree, regard its fruit as forbidden. For three years you are to consider it forbidden, it must not be eaten. In the forth year all its fruit will be holy, an offering of praise of the Lord. But in the fifth year you may eat its fruit. In this way your harvest will be increased. I am the Lord your God.” Leviticus 19:24.
Aaron shall bring the goat whose lot falls to the Lord and sacrifice it for a sin offering. But the goat chosen by lot as the scapegoat shall be presented alive before the Lord to be used for making atonement by sending it into the desert as a scapegoat. Leviticus 16:9-10
The burnt offering, the grain offering, the fellowship offering, the sin offering, the guilt offering…..the purification after childbirth, regulations about infectious skin diseases, regulations about mildew, cleansing from infectious skin diseases, discharges causing uncleanness. What?! You guessed it; I am reading the book of Leviticus. Twenty-seven chapters of rules, regulations, definition, lions and tigers and bears, oh my! This morning as I spent another day dragging through the text, I decided to sit on my deck and pray, Lord, show me something in here that I can apply to my life, help me find Jesus. And guess what? He answered.
“God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. “ “Wait,” you say. “That’s not in Leviticus.” And I would tell you that you are correct, it is 2 Corinthians 5:21. That’s what I saw in the above referenced verse. After all of these chapters about sin and disease, clean and unclean, purification and regulation, God reminded me that Jesus is our scapegoat. Leviticus 16 tells us the priest must bring two goats as an offering . He would choose one to kill as penalty of sin and the other would be sent away in token of the remission of sin. They called the later a scapegoat. Regardless, both goats were sacrificed but in different context. Today we still use that term “scapegoat”. Dictionary.com defines scapegoat as “a person or group made to bear the blame for others or to suffer in their place.” That is exactly what Jesus did for me! The goats didn’t do anything wrong but they paid the price for the sin of their owner, a sin sacrifice. Thankfully today every time I sin I don’t have to find my local priest and slaughter a goat. Can you imagine how many dead animals would be lying around these days? Now, I know I am being very general and silly in my interpretation and I apologize. According to Leviticus 16 this sacrifice was required of Aaron as a priest on the Day of Atonement for himself and his household and included additional animal sacrifices and rituals, which were very serious.
My point is this: I found Jesus in Leviticus! In the midst of the most (forgive me for saying) legalistic section of scripture full of rules and rituals, I found Jesus! There is not one part of the Bible that I should “skip” or feel is unimportant or irrelevant to me today. “Jesus is the same yesterday today and forever”, Hebrews 13:8. Where in your life do you need to look for Jesus? Is it in the midst of pain and trial? He is there. Is it among chaos and calamity? He is there. Is it in boredom and mediocrity? He is there. I am rejoicing today because “I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy,” Psalm 116:1.
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:2
Show me, O Lord, my life’s end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life. Psalm 39:4
If you knew the day you would die would you live your life differently? Dumb question, of course you would. Then why don’t we live today as if it was our last? Because we don’t know. We have to prepare for the future right? It is a responsible person that saves for retirement, educates oneself for future secure employment, and maintains our possessions so they will last longer. I understand, but to what extreme? So if Colossians 1:16 is true that all things were created by him…all things were created through him and for him, why do we struggle to find a balance in our time and care of things?
At 46 years old I have lived through a few seasons, the “young and free” season where I made my own schedule and aside from a job, I didn’t have much other responsibility. The “newly married and figuring it out” stage when I was trying to figure out how to manage life with another person. The “mom and broke stage” where the care of a baby meant owning one pair of shoes and living in a small apartment just so I could stay home and raise her. The “temporary freedom” stage when she is old enough to do her own homework and feed herself if she needed. Now I consider myself in the “reflective and supportive” stage. I have a lot more quiet time but heavier things to ponder. It is a joy to “train up a child in the way she should go” and watch her figure this life out from a biblical worldview but now I find myself conserving energy for that “phone call”. With Avery living on campus at a local college I don’t see her daily but I carry her heart. There are days when I am not doing anything but find myself reflecting a lot. I sit in silence knowing God is settling my heart, preparing it to be there when she needs encouragement, counsel or a home cooked meal. Sometimes I feel guilty and even lazy when I have a day with nothing on my to-do-list but I am learning to see these days as preparation for the ones to come. And it’s not just for her, with aging parents and a classroom of teenagers, you never know what a day will bring.
There are some things I do to keep my life in check that I would like to share with you. First, I don’t keep a calendar. What? You don’t have a calendar? I am a slave to my calendar, I have to write everything down so I don’t forget all the things I have to do. This has always been my philosophy…if I have to write it all down, it’s too much and I am too busy. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have a calender where I list my meetings for work (because I have to be there) and for concerts I have purchased tickets for (because I don’t want to miss these events) and I keep a reminders list on my phone of things I should pick up at the grocery store or household items I am getting low on, but as a mom I have learned that down time is preparation time. Some of you are already shaking your head and under your breath are saying “Good for you, but I’ve got four kids and with sports and my husband’s schedule I have to stay organized”. I get it. But here’s the bigger point, if you find yourself saying week after week, “I am too busy, my weekend is busier that my work week”, you are too busy. Where is your preparation time? When does God refresh you so you can effectively minister to your kids and husband and care for yourself?
Back to the verse in Psalms, if God showed you your life’s end, the number of your days, would you still pack every second of it the way you are today?
Second, I use the cleanness and organization of my house as an indicator of how busy I am. Now, I am not a clean freak, but If I don’t have time to mop my own floors every other week or cook dinner several nights a week, then something is wrong. How many of us take full time jobs and spend most of that paycheck on someone to clean our house and eat out? Titus chapter two speaks of how we are to love our husbands and children and care for our household. As moms, we live the cycle of not doing enough for everyone, feeling exhausted and not appreciated and then taking on more responsibility because we feel like we are not doing enough. STOP! Your child does not have to play a sport every season to get a college scholarship, he will get into a good college even if he doesn’t take 6 AP courses and summer school, she doesn’t have to be a professional dancer to enjoy herself! I think we over busy our children sometimes to justify that we are “giving them everything we didn’t have” when actually we are feeding into the plan of the enemy to steal peace and joy from our family. Here’s another question I would ask myself, how peaceful is my home? When your children or husband walk in the door at the end of the day what do they find? Are you even home? I can remember when James and I were separated and I knew he would be coming by the house to see Avery and pay the bills. I would straighten up and often cook something just so the house smelled inviting and was peaceful. Although he rarely stayed long enough to eat, he did notice. He found that his home was a sanctuary, a place of peace and rest. I know God used that to bring him back. We all need a place of rest and peace. Our home should be that sanctuary and as a woman, that’s our job, that’s our joy, to make our house a home for our family.
This is not a guilt trip but rather a wake up call, I pray. I think you can see where I am coming from. When you wake up one morning, and think you are going to the beach for a run with a few friends but get a phone call and find out your husband if fighting for his life after a tragic accident, suddenly life looks a bit different. I pray you never get “that phone call” but learn from one who has. STOP! If you find that the only time you see your kids is driving them to their activities after school, or your husband has become just someone who “helps you with the kids” or you can’t remember the last time you all sat down as a family to a meal you cooked, pray like the Psalmist, Lord, let me know how fleeting my life is, because you don’t know what tomorrow will bring.
I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4
I’ve been wrestling with making a decision. As I have shared the process in my mind and with others, I have been given sorted advice. Very practical advice such as make a list of pros and cons, and “if it feels right just do it” and “why not go?” While all of this makes sense and the decision was very practical, I could not seem to find peace. The decision I was trying to make was in regards to a trip to Italy. Italy, why not go if you can? Can you feel my battle?
I decided I needed three people to confirm my trip to go; my boss, my financial advisor, and a friend. In this process, my boss not only gave me the thumbs up to go but paid time off! My financial advisor helped me to rearrange some things and find the money. You would think that was all indication for a green light but I still didn’t find peace. Then I spoke to my friend. He gave me something to think about. Through our conversation I realized that it all came down to companionship. You see Italy is on my “bucket list”. It is one of those things that I want to do before I die. This trip to Italy was a guided tour with a Christian singles group. At first that seemed like fun, I could meet new people in my stage of life, Christian singles and 40ish, very adventurous. But then after some thought and the wisdom of my friend I realized that I really wanted to share a trip like that with someone special. Some things in life are not fully experienced unless shared with someone.
Avery and I have had some awesome experiences together, tour of Israel, driving to California, and our last summer 8-baseball stadium 13-day road trip. All of which would not have been momentous if I didn’t get to share it with her. I realized a trip to Italy would not be the same without sharing it with someone I love to be with. I waited over three weeks for the Lord to show me if I should go or not. “We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name,” Psalm 33:20-21.
Today, He spoke this to my heart, “Tina, it takes more faith NOT to go to Italy than to go.” God was asking me to have faith not to go and to believe that some day I would get to go to Italy and share it with someone special. Not going today was having the faith to believe that I would go with greater blessing in the future. God was true to His word to me today.
Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. Psalm 34:8
My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will. Matthew 26:39
I can remember praying this several times regarding James…Lord, please, fix him or take him, but nevertheless, not my will but Your will be done. You may have prayed the same. You have pleaded with God, begged Him again and again to take the pain away, resolve the conflict, or answer your prayer, with seemingly no response. I prayed for seven years that God would heal my marriage, bring James home, end the conflict and turmoil and at times I wondered if He even heard my prayers. He would give me enough hope to hold on just one more day; sometimes it was hour by hour. Many times, I would cry out, I am done, I don’t want to do it anymore, I give up!
I find comfort to see that Jesus struggled in a similar way. In the Message version of the Bible, Matthew 26:39 reads this way, “My Father, if there is any way, get me out of this. But please, not what I want. You, what do you want?” Have you ever felt that way? I would think you could relate as well. We face many types of challenging circumstances in life, some short term; speaking in public, an exam, a dreaded conversation with someone and some not so short term; financial trouble, relationship conflicts, health issues. In all of these, if we had the choice, we would bail. Admit it, we hate turmoil. But for the Christian, after the storm, I often hear you say, looking back I would do it again because my relationship with God is so much stronger.
The other comfort I find in Jesus’ words in Matthew 26, is verse 42 when He prays basically the same thing again. And if that’s not enough, in verse 44 it says that He “prayed the third time, the same thing.” Sometimes I feel like I am bothering God, going back to Him over and over with the same request. Does He just sit on His throne shaking His head saying “here comes Tina again, blah, blah, blah, I know what she is going to ask me for the umpteenth-millionth time.” Of course not! God loves when we come to Him. Here is the truth: Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart, Psalm 37:4. “Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” Matthew 7:7-11
I will leave you with some homework. Read the Parable of the Persistent Widow in Luke 18 and remember 18:1…”Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up.”
May God answer all your persistent, fervent, righteous, prayers, in Jesus Name, Amen
(James 5:16)
Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14
Working at a mega church in a central location in South Florida lends itself to opportunities for ministry. Usually I just stay in my classroom and tend to my students but yesterday as I was having lunch in our restaurant I noticed a few uniformed men. Firefighters. The indication that they were not just here for lunch was a black band covering the badge on their uniform, a fallen firefighter. Today in our sanctuary was another firefighter funeral. I am sure their were firefighter funerals here prior to James death but funny thing is I can’t remember one nor did I attend one, however, after his death, I have attended over ten funerals and most of them were for firefighters or police officers.
I approached the three uniformed firemen having lunch and asked for the details. Who, what, when, how? Within that conversation, I was able to give them Finally Home and make arrangements to get a copy of my book to the widow of the fallen hero. The good news is that is was a celebration. This widow and two children would be comforted and had a peace in the passing of her husband and their father because he was a believer and spent the last five years on this earth battling cancer and preaching life through Jesus Christ.
As typical of the Lord, He made a way for me in my schedule to attend an hour of the funeral. I walked in just in time to hear the widow speak. You may have thought at first glance that she was just a friend or a minister of the church because her strength and composure was firm. I can remember people telling me the same, how they were blown away with my ability to stand so strong and speak so clearly at my husband’s funeral. I watch the video of Avery and I speaking that day and I am in awe of the same (you can view it here). The power of the Holy Spirit! This was the first firefighter funeral I have attended of a solid believer with a family of the same. It was glorious! Now, don’t get me wrong, I know her pain, her loneliness and the fears she will face in the coming days and years, but I also know the peace, power, comfort and strength God provides as well. It’s just like in 1 Thessalonians 4:13 where is says that we “do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.” And even though this woman knew her husband would die soon with his Stage IV cancer diagnosis, they didn’t know exactly when. With James, I had no clue that the morning he left for work would be the last time I would see him here on Earth. The Bible says that the day or hour of His return no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son but only the Father. Meditating on this truth today, I found myself asking this question, “What if I did know that Christ would return tonight? How would I live today?” I leave you with the same question. I can tell you what I wouldn’t do, waste time with the little things and focus on the things that impact eternity. I would be talking to, loving on, and boldly teaching Jesus. That sounds like a good plan for today and everyday…just in case.
“Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come.” Matthew 24:42
In Memory of Wayne Anthony Ware, Lauderhill Fire Rescue. May 20, 1958 – January 31, 2014
A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver. Proverbs 25:11
I love the image this verse portrays. I can see it in my mind. Maybe it is because my mom used to have a basket of “fake fruit” on the table in the living room in my childhood home. It was filled with plastic fruit that she decorated with pins and iridescent beads. Amongst those fruit were golden plastic fruit, the décor of the ‘80’s. I always wanted to touch that fruit but was scolded when I did and was told those are not toys. With this image I am reminded that there is a time and place for everything and every word.
Just the other day God gave me this comparison so bold I felt the words come out of my mouth and my tongue trying to catch them to return them back to the wicked place from which they came. Ever been there before? Thankfully, He allowed me to make up for it and the conversation with that person ended well and I left learning a valuable lesson that I’d like to share with you.
Accept the one whose faith is weak, without quarreling over disputable matters. Romans 14:1
Working with teenagers and spending most of my day with them, I get to practice this verse often; it’s with adults that I struggle most. As a high school teacher, I expect that my students will be “less faithful” and “less knowledgeable” about the Bible due to their youth. This is not always the case but I don’t have the high expectations of them therefore I can accept the weaker faith and not quarrel over the simple stuff. Sometimes it’s best just to listen, especially with a peer.
I had a great conversation with a student and they were explaining spiritual revelation they received from the Lord. As I just listened, I was able to encourage them by affirming their ear to hear God and their willingness to follow Him. Some of what they said was a little “off” but for the most part they were right on spiritually. I have learned to just affirm what they are doing right and not nit-pick the little things. I can pray that God will grow them in the areas of weakness and guide them in truth. I refrain from correcting only if it is far from truth and in direct contrast to the truth of God’s Word; this is an example of a word “fitly spoken”, a ”word spoken in the right circumstances” or “timely advice”. Where I made the mistake with my peer is I didn’t accept that their faith was weaker and got into a spiritual argument over disputable matters. That left them defensive and bothered. I didn’t speak a gold apple into a silver basket if you know what I mean. The lesson I learned was valuable that day, listen, listen, listen.
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. James 1:19
I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Psalm 27:13
After the death of James, I would have moments of hopelessness. The grief would overwhelm me at times. I called it my “little black cloud”. I envisioned, just like in a cartoon, a little black cloud hovering over me as the sadness saturated my soul. I didn’t like being sad, so I would fight for hope. There were many verses that gave me hope, one of them was Psalm 27:13.
One version of the Bible says, “I would’ve lost heart, unless I believed I’d see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” I would tell myself, I will see the goodness of the Lord, because honestly I was afraid to lose heart. Most of the time that hope and goodness I saw in Avery. I know that all parents love their children and think they are perfect, but mine really is! I tell her at least once a day that she is the best kid in the entire world and I truly believe it. God has been very faithful in her life and I praise Him everyday for the work He is doing in and through her. Ok, so she may not be “perfect” because her room is still a mess even though she lives on campus and only comes home on the weekends. She still has to be reminded to hang up her wet towel and empty the dishwasher, but I will take those minor things over her beautiful, sweet spirit any day.
But really, in all seriousness, you would think that after all that kid has been through, she wouldn’t be as amazing as she is. Remember, she lived the same life I did. She has been right beside me through it all. She remembers her daddy leaving us for another woman when she was five years old and him returning and leaving again the following year. She knew about the child he had and the “half-sister” she has out there somewhere. She saw her dad in the hospital when he had his second motorcycle crash and broke his leg and collarbone. She was with me when I got the phone call from the police officer telling me he was in critical condition at the hospital from a motorcycle wreck. She stood next to me and spoke at his funeral when she was only thirteen years old. Many nights, I am sure she heard me cry myself to sleep, wondering why her mommy was so sad and why her daddy didn’t love us enough to stay home. But God was faithful. Today, she is a well-adjusted, lovely, God fearing light on a public university campus. She is not only beautiful and smart, but everything good about James is in her. She gives me hope. I watch her life and know that God is faithful. Therefore, I will remain confident…I have seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living, and her name is Avery.
I love you skwishy
The Lord is my light and my salvation. Should I fear anyone? The Lord is a fortress protecting my life. Psalm 27:1
Reading Psalm 27 this morning, I feel David’s heart. I knew exactly what he felt because I’ve been there. IronMan Florida 2011. After my first triathlon at Disney World in Orlando 2005, God set a desire in my heart to be an IronMan. At the time the Olympic triathlon I just completed was momentous. The one-mile swim followed by a 26-mile bike and at 6-mile run was nothing in comparison to the IronMan distances of 2.4-mile swim, 112-mile bike and 26.2-mile run. At the time, it didn’t matter; I knew God would get me there. After the death of James in 2009, I believed I would never compete again because all passion was gone. But in God’s faithfulness He returned the passion and after two attempts I did finish and become an IronMan!
Yesterday, like most Sundays, I ran at Deerfield Beach. I always stop at my “spot” on the beach and reflect on God’s goodness and majesty as I stand on the rocks and look at the vast open ocean. It comforts me and I love to feel His presence there. This particular day I noticed jellyfish washed up on the shore. So beautiful as they reflect the early morning sunrise and deceptively painful at the same time. An uninformed beach goer may think they are harmless but I know differently for I have experienced the sting of these beautiful creatures on more than one occasion.
There is a memory of IronMan and jellyfish I will never forget and David reminds me of this morning. Let me take you back to that eventful day, November 5, 2011 sunrise on Panama City Beach, Florida, the start of IronMan. Words can’t empress the feeling right before an IronMan, anxiety, fear, excitement, anticipation, dread, elation. I just want to get in the water and get this thing started! Anticipating a 17-hour day of swim, bike, run, never stopping and always striving for the finish line, I stand at the water’s edge with several thousand other athletes ready for the adventure of a lifetime. The horn sounds and we all dive in and get started on the 2 loop, 2.4 mile swim. I struggle to calm my body and emotions and get into a rhythm, navigating through the crowd of swimmers and longing for calmer waters. Finally we get past the breaking waves and I can “rest” in the rhythm of my breathing and strokes when I spot something beautiful yet frightening…jellyfish. Not just one or two as is common to see but a school of them. My only choice is to swim right through them. My entire body is covered in a wet suit with only my hands, feet and face exposed. I shut my eyes even though I am wearing protective goggles, and pray, God protect me, as I swim through. The air temperature that morning was 43 degrees, which made the water, temp around 73 degrees. The wetsuit was necessary for this Florida girl whose body would go into shock in those conditions. I put my head down and press through the water at a quicker but efficient pace. My feet seemed to kick a bit harder and my breathing increased but I made it through the hundreds of shinning, translucent, poisonous creatures. As I swim around the buoy, I know I am on my way back to shore. I exit the water; run across the timing mat and head back to the entrance, I have to do that again. I see Avery on the shore and she can tell from the look on my face I am not happy. I realize at that point that my foot is throbbing; I was stung on my foot by a jellyfish. She reassures me that my time is great but I don’t feel like it, I am discouraged and hopeless that I will finish the swim on time, nevertheless, I head back in for lap number two. I tried to refocus as my foot became numb due to the coldness of the water. I get past the breaking ocean waves and head back out to smoother waters. With that calm water comes the same school of jellyfish. I tried to anticipate it better this time and know that God will protect me again. This time the fear didn’t overcome me and I swam through them as if they didn’t exist. The Lord is a fortress for my life. Whom shall I fear? Upon exit of the swim, still feeling defeated, but with no good reason, I blogged this after, ”But when I exited the swim, I was not happy, feeling like I fought a tough battle out there. I resolved to focus my mind on the bike since I couldn’t change the swim, all the while disappointed in my swim finish. I found out later that it was 11 minutes faster than last year. The enemy was already trying to discourage me on what would be my greatest adventure with God. “
Does the enemy use unnecessary fear to steal your peace as he tried to do that day for me? Remember that the Lord is your light and your salvation. Should you fear anyone? The Lord is a fortress protecting your life! Claim it and just keep swimming.
Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today….The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still. Exodus 14:13-14
I absolutely love this section of scripture! Hollywood couldn’t create a better, gripping, nail-biting scene in my opinion. After many plagues, Pharaoh finally “lets the people go”. As Moses leads them out of slavery in Egypt to freedom in the Promised Land, the Israelites find themselves trapped at the edge of the water. “As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up, and there were the Egyptians, marching after them, Exodus 14:10. Panic would be the word I would use to describe the reaction of the Israelites. Moses, however, kept his cool and told them to “stand still” so the Lord can do His thing. And boy did He ever! “Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and all that night the Lord drove the sea back with a strong east wind and turned it into dry land. The waters were divided, and the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left, verse 21. Sweet! They cross the sea and then as the Egyptians attempted to follow, “The water flowed back and covered the chariots and horsemen-the entire army of Pharaoh that had followed the Israelites into the sea. Not one of them survived” verse 28. Can you imagine?! How epic would that be, to see that kind of power from God?! At first, you may think, Oh that Mighty God, what a show off, did He really need to be so dramatic? Verse 31 concludes with this, “When the Israelites saw the great power the Lord displayed against the Egyptians, the people feared the Lord and put their trust in him and in Moses his servant.” Apparently He did need to “show off “ a bit, not because He needed to prove Himself, but because we needed to see the proof. Why can’t I just believe because God said it? Why can’t I just trust His promises and not have to be reassured time after time after time? Why do I need some major event or “show” to prove that God is big? You’d think a sunrise every morning and a star filled sky every night would be enough for me, but sadly it’s not. I don’t deserve those repeated reminders. “STAND STILL.” He died once on the cross for all my sins and to prove His love for me, that is enough. I am so grateful that God is patient and His grace is so great for you and me, aren’t you?
The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. 2 Peter 3:9